Here Are 16 Warning Signs You’re In An Abusive Friendship

Should we be surprised that a man who abuses women – emotionally, mentally or physically – would also exhibit the same destructive behavior toward the men they know?

Yes, men abuse other men as well as women. Abusive, often narcissistic men don’t limit their maladaptive behavior to one gender. Their desire to control others and cause damage to others knows no bounds. I am a heterosexual male and a survivor of abusive relationships. For years, I did not realize the negative consequences of the abuse I had suffered at the hands and minds of women with whom I had been involved with romantically. Admitting to myself that I had established a pattern of entering relationships with women who harmed me emotionally, mentally and physically was a difficult, and probably life-saving, revelation.

But, that was only the beginning.

In time, I discovered that being an abuse magnet did not end with women. Some of my male friends – including the person I considered my very best friend – were using me to further their own destructive agenda. As men, it’s not easy to admit that we’re being abused by anyone, female or male. But many of us are. No matter how harsh this truth is, we must face the fact that men will abuse men – especially within a Bromance. Once we wake up to this reality, it’s not hard to recognize.

Before the list, remember that you are worthy of healthy, uplifting, strong relationships with your male friends. True Bromances are great and you deserve respect and happiness from them. No matter what you think you are receiving from an abusive relationship, it’s not worth the cost. Get out now and establish No Contact with your abuser.

  1. They Take Charge of Your Life. Essentially, this is about having a one person entourage: you. He decides when you’ll be going to the gym together, when you’ll go get a beer, what videos games you’ll play. He may have more money than you. This often sets up the “Golden Rule” dynamic between men: He who has the gold makes the rules. Soon, he’ll be telling you what to do with your time even when you’re not hanging out.
  2. They have temper outbursts. It may be short, disguised as humor, or outright rage. If your friend suddenly starts swearing, punching things, kicking doors or exhibiting any sudden outbursts of severe anger or violence – not necessarily directed at you – he is revealing issues and behavior that will eventually be aimed at you as your friendship deepens.
  3. They use violent or demeaning language. If your friend uses terrible words and language when speaking about other people (women, LGBT, minorities, etc.) it points to more than just ignorance. It signifies hate – for others and himself. This kind of verbal abuse will eventually find its way to you. And hate of this kind is diabolical. It’s an acceptable, verbal cancer on relationships and your emotional well-being.
  4. They have a sexist attitude. Does your friend confide in you that women or gay men are in any way less worthy or valuable as “us guys?” Does he subtly give signs that he expects you to agree with this perspective? If he thinks he has privilege over others, he will take privilege over you in short order.
  5. They insult you. Is your friend beginning to put you down for your opinions or laugh at what you believe in? Does he degrade your education, work, political outlook, religion, or even the TV shows you watch? Remember, out of massive insecurity, he has to control every life aspect of people around him. He will think nothing of belittling you into seeing things his way.
  6. They establish dependency. Does he make you dependent on him financially, socially, professionally, recreationally, etc.? Your Bromance friend is trying to convince you that you can’t get along in the world without his help.
  7. They ridicule you. Does he make fun of you, especially in public? If he is using you as the butt of his jokes or revealing private or embarrassing things about you, it’s not in fun. That’s called bullying. And bullying isn’t just a problem for kids. It continues long into adulthood. Abusers were bullies as kids. That part of them never grew up.
  8. They distance you from certain relations. Does he devalue outside relationships that he did not initiate? Part of his control will be to surround you with ‘his’ people. He doesn’t want you to have the autonomy to make your own friendships or romantic ties. He will go to great lengths to make sure your own relationships suffer.
  9. They have an abusive background. Was your friend abuses or neglected as a child or did he witness his mother or siblings being hit as a child? If not dealt with, they may continue that curse through every major relationship for remainder of their life.
  10. They blame other people. Does your friend blame other people, other religions, other political ideologies, etc. for everything that is wrong in their life and the world? If they aren’t willing to take responsibility, the blame will once again be laid on you.
  11. Substance abuse: Does his behavior change – and get worse – when they drink or take other mind altering substances? Does this include becoming verbally or physically abusive? Obviously, this is a huge problem for them. But when it’s combined with the other signs listed here, it becomes a big problem for you. And if you’re being abused, it’s not your problem to deal with.
  12. They track you. Does your friend frequently and casually ask where you are, what you’re doing and where you’re going? They will tell you, “I’m just looking out for you, bud.” But they’re not. They’re looking for you, not out for you. This is born from insecurity and a lack of trust. They may even call or drop by unexpectedly to “see what’s up.” That’s what texting is for. It’s not part of a Bromance. It’s stalking.
  13. They are self-centered. Does everything revolve around your friend with no consideration for you, for anyone or for simple morals and ethics? They expect you to meet their needs with no responsibility or gratitude on their part. They put the responsibility for their happiness and moods squarely on you. And if they believe the rules don’t apply to them, then you’re probably dealing with a narcissist. Note: There is no safe way to have a relationship with a narcissist. Get out. Get far away. Stay away forever.
  14. They cheat. Does your friend cheat on his wife or girlfriend? Is he bragging about it? This demonstrates a lot of deep character flaws. If you’re sticking around, then you’re complicit in the terrible pain he’s causing. And he wants you to stick around to validate his behavior.
  15. They defame you. Does your friend use social networking to tear down others? Be aware, they will do the same thing to you when you finally end the relationship. They will contact your other friends, your business associates, your family, your pastor . . . anyone who knows you. They’ll send emails, texts, and messages on Facebook. Sometimes they’ll call and leave messages. Oddly, this is their way of trying to draw you back into the relationship. It’s like they’re reaching out of your friendship’s grave.
  16. They make threats. Does your friend make threats against others or you? This is an extraordinarily powerful danger sign. It doesn’t have to be physical threats. It can be threats to embarrass you, ruin you financially or professionally, or wreck your other relationships. This can happen during the Bromance, but is especially evident after you cut things off.
And one other thing . . . They may want more than friendship. Does your friend want to become physical with you? Keep in mind, he is coming from a place that is not clear to even him. His desires to control, manipulate, and express his idea of a “Bromance,” may include an unwanted physical relationship with you, however fleeting. If you’re a straight man and want to know how women feel when men are hitting on them, especially in the most coercive, subtle ways, then wait until a man hits on you when you’ve been clear that’s not what you want. It is the most indescribably awkward moment of your life. But, if this is part of your Bromance friend’s agenda, he’ll eventually make his move. There’s no way to be ready for it. Except to recognize you should have been long gone by then.

All relationships, including Bromances, have many variations. The warning signs I’ve described here apply to all genders and gender preferences. Few of us have considered the fact that we might be adult, male victims of an abusive relationship. It took me too long to recognize it happened to me. Don’t wait. There is no shame in this, just healing.

"I wonder what he did to prompt her to poison him?"

It doesn't always happen in elevators with cameras. "The most dangerous place for a woman in America is her own home." See the story of one of the bravest women I've ever know, Deanna Walters, from the documentary, "Private Violence," premiering on HBO, October 20, 2014.


Victim Blaming of Men is not only permissible, but laughable as well. American television's "CBS This Morning" just reported on Dr. Ana-Maria Gonzalez-Angulo, a well known breast cancer oncologist at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, who is accused of poisoning George Blumenschein, a doctor who researched and treated lung, head and neck cancers at the same hospital. The response of the female morning news anchors? "I wonder what he did to prompt her to poison him?" Then they laughed and joked about how he must have spurned her love. Can you imagine if a man had poisoned a woman and a male news anchor asked, "What did she do to prompt him to poison her?" Or beat her? Or kill her? This is not an isolated incident. I have personally experienced victim blaming. When people see the scar on my back, I explain that it is a wound from a set of keys being dragged across my skin by a female. With a smile, the first question they ask is, "what did you do?" They are asking what I did to deserve becoming a victim of violence. Why do we blame men for acts of assault and violence perpetrated against them, but rail against anyone who blames female victims?

An American Hero Continues Saving Lives


Last Thursday I filled in for Dr. Laurie Roth as host of her radio show. Here is my interview with a true American Hero, Anthony Donald Coggiola, who is leading a cutting-edge movement to develop, Veteran Owned Controlled Environment Agriculture based businesses. If you're tired of bad news, just listen to Anthony's vision and encouragement. The interview is at this link.

Malala Celebrates Her 17th Birthday With Parents of Kidnapped Nigerian Girls


In an unremarkable conference room in an unremarkable international hotel in Abuja, an extraordinary group of people gathered.
Twelve of them were the parents of girls who were kidnapped three months ago by militant group Boko Haram.
The two others were Malala Yousafzai, a young Pakistani woman just turned 17, and her father Ziauddin.
Malala, thoughtful and self-possessed, explained that she had made the journey to Nigeria from Birmingham in England, where she lives at present, because she regarded the kidnapped girls as her sisters.
"I am going to stand up for them," she said.
Monday has been designated by the United Nations as Malala Day. She has just turned 17, and she decided that she must mark it by coming to Nigeria and appealing for the release of the kidnapped girls and the right of all children here to an education.
Nigeria, though it recently became the leading economy in Africa, has one of the world's worst records for education. More than 10 million children aged between 6 and 11 - 42% - are not in school. There is a shortage of more than 200,000 primary school teachers.
Malala believes that there is a clear link between poor education and the political violence which the extreme Islamist Boko Haram movement has brought to Nigeria. "If you improve the one, you discourage the other," she has said.
Ziauddin Yousafzai started to explain to the parents how Malala had been shot in the head by a Taliban hitman in Pakistan two years ago, and almost killed. But he couldn't get the words out, and broke down in tears. The 12 Nigerian parents, as they listened to him, wept openly too.
The parents share a powerful feeling that in spite of their loss, they have been shut out and ignored. The government hasn't talked to them at any stage. It hasn't even shown them much sign of sympathy.
Rebecca Samwell, a Christian, said they had heard rumours that some of the girls had been rescued; her missing daughter Sarah is 17, like Malala. "We simply aren't told what the truth is."
One of the fathers, Malla Abu, asked: "Is it because we're poor country people that the government isn't doing anything? Suppose these were the daughters of someone important; would they still be in the forest after 90 days?"
In the hotel grounds, Malala met five girls who were kidnapped with the others in the town of Chibok, but managed to escape by jumping out of the trucks which were taking them to captivity in the Sambisa forest, more than 200 miles (320km) away.
Had any of the five girls been interviewed by the Nigerian army for information they might have about their Boko Haram captors? No, they said.
Government officials deny they have been lackadaisical about investigating the kidnappings, and insist that everything is being done to trace the girls and get them back.
But after 90 days it is hard to see what success the authorities have had.
Mike Omeri, the co-ordinator of the government's anti-terror campaign, insists that they know where the girls are and that they are safe.
But the families are deeply worried by Boko Haram threats to marry the girls off to the movement's fighters, against their will. Some are afraid their daughters have been raped.
There seems to be a total stalemate. Boko Haram says it will free the girls in exchange for the release of Boko Haram prisoners from Nigerian jails.
At different times, various figures in the Nigerian government seem to have considered an exchange, but the army, and perhaps Western governments, are opposed to the idea.
The weakness of the Nigerian army in the country's north-east makes it hard to think that the girls can be rescued.
Faced with this deadlock, the parents are close to despair.
In the hotel in Abuja, Malala's father Ziauddin ended the meeting with the parents by saying a prayer:
"O God, accept our tears, accept the tears of these fathers and mothers. O God, empower us to bring the girls back."
And the parents, Christian and Muslim, joined together in saying "Amen."

Indian Village Council Orders Girl Raped


Here is my interview yesterday on "Voice of Russia." 

Yes, there are places in the world where people still use rape as a form of punishment. In this case, the "punished" girl was not the perpetrator of the crime, but the sister of the criminal. 

By Andrew Hiller
WASHINGTON (VR) – The idea that the sins of the brother shall be passed on to the sister is a particularly odd thought in the 21st Century. In Northern India, a fourteen year old girl was ordered raped by her own village council as retribution for the alleged actions of her brother. In this perverted case of tit for tat, the teen's brother's alleged actions (he has been accused of assaulting the wife of Birju Pasi) resulted in Pasi raping the young girl. The story, women's advocates say seems to point again to a trend against women and not just in India.

"Rape as a punishment... as a weapon of war has been used for the entire history of humanity," Ray Bechard, an activist, author and committee chair Men against Prostitution and Trafficking stated, "This is nothing new. People turning against it are new."
What may be new is that when the police chief of Jharkhand heard about the act he expressed public outrage and three people were arrested in association with both the order and the act.
"This (rape) happened five days ago." Bechard noted. "These people were arrested pretty quickly. There probably has to be some PR element to it, however, this (Jharkhand) police chief who arrested these people (suggests) the tide is turning."
Part of that turn, Bechard suggests, is due to the reaction by the world and in India to the gang rape and murder of a girl near Delhi in December of 2012. The act and the response of authorities stunned the world and shocked many in India. Bechard sees hope in the aftermath of this community ordered rape.
"The media has a large part to play in it and fortunately," Bechard said, "because so many individuals and individual communities have a voice through the internet and through cultures being connected... you know, just a few years ago, we may not have heard of this case at all. It may have been known in the local media. There may have been awareness of it locally. There may have been an outcry, but now there's a global outcry against it."
That outcry he says hopefully may have an impact on behavior at first on law enforcement, but eventually on the culture itself.
"The trend," Bechard said, "is more that we are more hearing about these actions taking place coming out of these villages and remote parts of India and other parts of the world and for the first time people en mass are responding against it."
Bechard also points the finger at himself. He says that activists, citizens, and all of us must stay engaged and refuse to remain a silent majority.
"Each time this happens we have to be made aware and certainly put pressure on governments and on individual rights' groups to say this has to stop. The human rights declaration of the UN has to be followed by members of the UN.”


http://voiceofrussia.com/us/2014_07_12/Indian-Village-Council-Orders-Girl-Raped-1446/

Notify Your Local Police: Victims of Human Trafficking Identified Online

This is how it works.

A pimp has a phone number through which he works several girls. He is selling them for sex. The phone number he uses is the means by which he makes his livelihood. The phone is everything: his money, his connections, his power. He lists that number day and night on social networking, escort and urban listing websites in a specific geographic region.
In this case, the phone number was listed on Backpage.com in the Connecticut Escort section. More specifically, at a Motel 6 well known for human trafficking on the Silas Deane Highway in Wethersfield, CT. This was documented in the case of the United States vs. Dennis Paris in 2007, through Wethersfield Police verification in 2010, again with his Mr. Paris's brother, Jaykuan Paris in 2012, and through eyewitness accounts as recently as July 6, 2014.
The ad for a girl called "Coco." Her photo, one taken from the Backpage.com, is included in this article and obviously depicts an underage female. The phone number can be searched through a website called EscortPhoneSearch.com, which was established so that men could locate their favorite girl-for-sale via that very special phone number.
In "Coco's" case, a search for her number on EscortPhoneSearch.com reveals the profiles and photos of several women in this particular pimp's stable. You can read reviews of the girl's services on TheEroticReview.com or find all her listings on CityVibe.com or Fling.com
It's that simple. You only need the phone number. In fact, that's all law enforcement needs to rescue potential victims of this human rights violation. At this very moment, "Coco" is being worked (sold) out of the Motel 6 at the corner of the Silas Deane Highway and Town Line Road in Wethersfield, CT in the US. Her listing was posted just a few hours ago.
The men are there now, buying her, paying for her to be their slave.
Will the police be there as well?
Some time ago, I was told by a Wethersfield Detective. "We know there's human trafficking there. We just don't have the manpower right now." It was not the detective's fault. I have known him for years and he loves Wethersfield, protecting people and his job. He was more frustrated with the situation than any of us. This is why I am trying to make people aware. The police must be given the resources and training for this type of crime. The pressure to get them want the need - and want - must come from us. For now, find out the email of the detectives in your town. Then, you can go to the "Escort" section of Backpage.com in you local area, look at each listing, and select the "email this post" option. Then, email it to your police, urging them to investigate if it is a human trafficking situation. If ten people do that consistently in in every town, things will begin to change.
Of course, if the police want to know exactly where these young girls are, they just need to look at RubMap.com. That's right, it's a website that lists all the "Happy Ending" massage parlors in the United States by individual town. You can look up each parlor's listing and read reviews of their "services." If you don't understand the coded language used by the customers - who call themselves "hobbyists" - Rubmap even has a handy Glossary of Terms.
According to RubMap.com, the girl in this photo is being worked out of Hartford Oriental Massage at 618 Silas Deane Highway in Wethersfield, CT - directly across the street from Corpus Christi Church. The online "customer" reviews of this establishment are explicit in their description of the sexual services offered there.
"The arrests occurred between February and late June."

A Public Relations Response. Our pressure on the Wethersfield Police Department to do something about the Motel 6 and the Oasis Spa human trafficking ring has motivated them to release information about what they did across the street six months ago. Since then, the problem has migrated to a location less than a mile away from the Police Station. The question remains: What are they doing now?

Read the full  story here.